The Butterfly Effect – How to keep him keen

Want to keep your guy keen? But worried about treating him mean?  I just got off the phone with a lovely and very attractive client who wanted to know why her man suddenly went all cold on her. After 2 months of dating, everything was just fine and dandy. But suddenly he is disant and unavailable. Know the feeling? Well, she asked for my input -confront him or forget about him? So I told her about the Butterfly Effect. In the words of Mohammed Ali, “Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee”.  Be free and be beautiful but not easy to catch. Float a little out of his reach, be a little mysterious, a little unavailable. Play your cards right, and with a little deft dance move or two,  you will be back in a position of power. But first you have to sting like a bee.  Here’s how:

  • Be prepared to do what works, not what should work but doesn’t. The cold hard truth might be bracing, but you need to be strong enough to want results, irrespective of the outcome.
  • When in doubt, don’t. Don’t run after him, don’t push for explanations. In fact don’t do anything.
  • Don’t get mad, get even. No kung fu fighting and wailing. Just push  him to the back of your mind and keep your options open. And by options, I mean get out there and get some dates. With other guys.Pouting may be adorable when you’re 5, but quite frankly, mooning around looking all unhappy isn’t attractive, independence is.
  • Don’t get heavy and intense, get a life. Do what you did before you met him. Show him that you’re not going to cave in fear just because he might be hiding in his. Your life doesn’t depend on his moods or whims. Get out and about with friends or revive that hobby you gave up on when he started taking up all your time.
  • Train yourself to remember that men need to to hunt. It took me years to get my head around that one, but there is some truth in it. Tough, but true. Repeat it, over and over until it becomes a truth you can handle. Oh, and while you’re at it, ask yourself if you perhaps made things a little too easy for him, too soon.
  • Take responsibility for the fact that you might well have chosen an unattainable guy, or just plain made your world revolve around him. If  he is buckling under the pressure of not being able to live up to being the earth to your moon, he is either a jerk or not ready for the big C-word. Commitment is scary, so go slow. Back off, take stock and let him prove himself.
  • Practice being confident and being able to handle “rejection”.  You’re still hot and worthy of love from someone, somewhere.
  • Realise that sometimes a man going cold on you means he just plain doesn’t want to be with you. Mayabe he got bored. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he is just hiding in his cave trying to decide if he really really wants you.  But, so what? If you’re still there pining for him and waiting until he comes out, its just going to make you miserable and come across as weak and needy. And maybe, just maybe, you might not still be around, because you found someone better to be with. It doesn’t mean it is going to be easy, but it will make you feel more empowered. And a strong woman is sexy. Someone worth fighting for.
  • If he is a reasonably decent guy and makes the effort to come bouncing back into your life, realise that this process is something that happens all too often in relationship and will rear its head occasionally even when you are married. It never hurts to keep him on his toes instead of you walking on eggshells in fear of losing him. Relationships are hard work, so it pays to train him in the early stages of dating.

Its all about re-establishing the balance of power. In your favour. Use it or lose it, but keep trying until you get it right. Be subtle but sure. Be light and frothy if need be. Floating around on a cloud of happiness while you’re hurting is not going to be easy, but it does get better with practice. At least this way you have a 50-50 chance of getting him buzzing around you again, when he remembers who he fell for in the first place.  And if not, you will have learned a valuable lesson. Unless or until you get some sort of firm commitment, make him walk the talk and see if he fits the profile of Mr Right, instead of handing that privilege to Mr Right Now.


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